Support and Love: How to Help Someone With a Porn Addiction

How to Help Someone With a Porn Addiction

When someone struggles with a porn addiction, their condition does not just impact them. It also impacts their relationships with loved ones, especially their romantic partners.

Partners can be integral in their significant others’ journey to recovery. However, they must first understand that porn addiction, like other addictions, is a mental health condition, not a willpower problem.

Understanding Addictions

Addictions hijack the brain, convincing it that the substance (or behaviour in this case) is required for survival. The person with the addiction consumes porn compulsively, meaning they can’t control themselves.

To loved ones, it may seem like the person who is addicted does not want to stop watching porn. They may even feel that the person does not love them anymore. However, that is usually not the case.

People who want to help someone with an addiction must be willing to put aside judgment and approach their significant other with empathy, support, and compassion. Only then is it possible to help with porn addiction.

Things You Should Know

Before getting involved in someone’s journey to recovery, it is crucial to have realistic expectations. Helping someone with an addiction is challenging and may not always result in a happy ending.

Also, loved ones should remember that they are not mental health professionals. As such, the goal should never be to treat the addiction. Instead, they should aim for the following three goals:

1. To talk to the person about the way the addiction impacts their loved ones
2. To present a treatment plan outlining the options available to get help for the addiction
3. To hold the person accountable and outline the consequences should they not seek treatment

Leave the actual treatment to the professionals and instead focus on supporting and encouraging. Individuals report feeling immense shame and guilt for their addiction. Helping requires not reinforcing these emotions.

It can be challenging to view porn addictions realistically without a deeper understanding. Learning about porn addiction and how it affects people can foster empathy and put loved ones in a better position to assist.

What Is Porn Addiction?

Porn addiction is a disorder featuring symptoms like obsessive and compulsive consumption of pornography. Addicts most commonly consume visual pornographies, though people can become addicted to other types of porn.

Unfortunately, porn addiction is not recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Still, addiction experts recognize it as a valid behavioural addiction similar to substance use disorders (SUDs).

Imaging studies have shown similar brain activity in people with porn and substance addictions. Specifically, both addictions hijack the brain’s reward centre and impulse control mechanisms.

Porn Addiction as an Impulse Control Disorder

The World Health Organisation (WHO) makes room for porn addiction under the definition of compulsive sexual behaviour. Compulsive sexual behaviour is a type of impulse control disorder set forth by the International Classification of Disease (ICD-11).

To receive a diagnosis, the person’s porn consumption must be severe enough to interrupt daily life. Interruptions could mean health or interpersonal issues, loss of interest in activities, or failure to meet work, school, or family obligations.

Porn Addiction as an Internet Addiction

Some experts believe that porn addiction should instead be categorized as a type of internet addiction. Internet addictions include Internet Gaming Disorder, also known as online gaming disorder, and possibly, Internet Porn Addiction (IPA).

Of course, this definition does not account for people addicted to porn obtained through offline sources. However, due to ease of access, IPA may be the more predominant type of porn addiction.

Who Can Become Addicted to Porn?

Anyone can become addicted to porn, but certain risk factors make this condition more likely. The most well-known risk factors for developing a porn addiction include:

• Having a brain chemical imbalance due to genetics, substance abuse, or a brain disease like dementia
• Having a family history of porn addiction, substance use disorders, or both
• Having a pre-existing mental health condition or behavioural addiction (e.g., gambling or internet addiction)
• Having a history of physical abuse, sexual trauma, or family dysfunction, including early childhood experiences
• Having ease of access to porn and ample privacy to view it

Experts also identify early porn-viewing behaviours as risk factors for porn addiction. These behaviours include early exposure to porn and unregulated access to porn during one’s formative years.

Importantly, one or more of these risk factors do not necessarily mean someone will become addicted to porn. Scientists are still unsure about what causes porn addictions.

Complications of Untreated Porn Addictions

Unfortunately, experts are still debating the validity of porn addiction. Many believe that porn addictions do not impact society, so they should not be categorized as a disorder.

However, this issue can have a significant impact on the person suffering from the addiction and their romantic partners. Untreated compulsive porn behaviours can lead to complications, such as:

• Low self-esteem
• Mental health symptoms
• Suicidal behaviours
• Damaged relationships
• Romantic partner neglect
• Job loss
• Financial difficulties
• Substance abuse disorders

No matter what some researchers believe, treatment is available for people with compulsive porn-viewing behaviours. Learn how to identify a porn addiction and encourage someone to utilize the treatment resources below.

What Are the Signs of a Porn Addiction?

The signs of a porn addiction resemble those of other behavioural and substance use disorders, including craving pornography, uncontrollable consumption, and tolerance.

Using the DSM-5’s diagnostic criteria for SUDs as inspiration, here are potential signs that someone is suffering from a porn addiction:

• Consuming pornography for longer than intended (i.e., uncontrollable consumption)
• Wanting or trying to cut down on porn consumption without success
• Spending significant amounts of time viewing porn
• Feeling compelled to view porn (i.e., craving pornography)
• Failing to meet school, work, or home obligations due to watching porn
• Continuing to watch porn despite negative social or interpersonal consequences
• No longer participating in enjoyable activities to watch porn
• Consuming porn in physically unsafe environments
• Continuing to watch porn despite negative psychological or physical consequences
• Needing increasing amounts of porn or more extreme content to feel the same sexual gratification (i.e., tolerance)
• Experiencing negative physical or mental symptoms after quitting porn

The last criterion refers to withdrawal symptoms. People report experiencing anxiety, low mood, irritability, insomnia, and even aches and pains after they stop viewing porn. Additionally, many have cravings where they can’t figure out how to stop thinking about porn. We have written a detailed article about the signs and what to look out for.

Over time, these symptoms will dissipate. However, if the person relapses by viewing porn, they will have to go through the withdrawal phase again.

Why Is Porn Addictive?

Porn is addictive due to its impact on the brain’s reward, motivation, and memory circuits. These are the same brain circuits activated when someone is addicted to drugs or alcohol.

A brain chemical called dopamine gets released when someone views porn videos. Dopamine causes feelings of pleasure, which reinforces the behaviour that caused it. In this case, viewing porn caused the pleasurable feeling.

Viewing any visual media is typically sufficient for dopamine release in the brain. Porn viewing is doubly rewarding since it is also associated with sexual pleasure.

Sex and masturbation both cause the release of dopamine in the brain. Combined with the rewarding effect of just viewing porn videos, this factor can make it extremely easy to develop addictive behaviours.

Porn addictions also have a more practical component. Namely, porn is widely available, affordable, and completely anonymous. These factors make obtaining the object of one’s addiction simpler than drugs or alcohol.

How Is Porn Addiction Treated?

Porn addiction is treated with individual, group, and couples therapy. Therapy sessions may consist of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), or a combination of these techniques.

Therapy aims to reduce porn-viewing behaviours, improve romantic relationships, and reduce guilt and shame associated with addiction.

Another aim may be to uncover the reasons behind the addiction. For example, a therapist may help the person identify unresolved trauma exacerbating their addiction. Then, they can develop healthier coping mechanisms to use instead.

Medications are available to treat some of the symptoms of porn withdrawal. For example, a doctor may prescribe an anti-depressant for depressive symptoms after reducing or ceasing porn consumption.

Steps to Help Someone With a Porn Addiction

Many people addicted to porn take careful measures to hide their behaviour, making it extremely difficult to identify if they have a problem. In that case, loved ones can watch out for behavioural addiction symptoms.

Despite the secretiveness, the individual may not see their porn viewing as problematic. They may become combative or even aggressive when approached about their consumption.

For these reasons and more, having a plan before approaching someone is essential. Here are four steps to creating a plan to present when confronting a loved one about their porn problem.

1. Observe Porn-Viewing Behaviours

The first step is understanding how often and how much porn the person consumes. Avoid applying blame or shame at this time, as it may encourage the individual to start hiding their behaviour.

This step can be more challenging if the person is hiding their porn consumption already. Look out for potential signs of porn over-consumption, including unexplained struggles with intimacy, secretive behaviour, or lying.

Also, pay attention to the person’s expectations when they want sex. Using demeaning language, having unrealistic expectations, or seeming displeased after sex may be signs of unhealthy porn consumption.

2. Identify the Impact of Porn Addiction

After investigating someone’s porn-viewing behaviour, the next step is understanding its impact. Remember, someone may only receive an addiction diagnosis if their porn use has a negative impact on their life.

Pay close attention to how viewing porn affects the person, noticing if and how it alters their mood, stress levels, ability to focus, self-care habits, sleep patterns, relationships, and work, school, or family obligations.

Loved ones should also understand how the person’s porn consumption impacts them. It is normal to feel irritated, embarrassed, or even angry because of how much time the person spends watching porn.

For this reason, loved ones should practice self-care when helping someone with their addiction. Keep a journal, get plenty of rest, exercise regularly, eat a nutritious diet, and consider individual therapy to manage the stress.

3. Devise a Porn Addiction Treatment Plan

Once a loved one determines that the porn consumption has led to negative life consequences, the next step is to devise a treatment plan. As mentioned, the best treatment for a behavioural addiction is therapy.

Therapy for porn addictions is available from outpatient therapists and inpatient mental health program providers like Simcoe. Find a local treatment centre and identify the available options.

It can also help to get in touch with the program’s admissions staff. These experts can answer questions about the insurance providers they work with, the types of therapies offered, and their approach to treatment.

Loved ones can also help the individual devise a plan to reduce or eliminate porn consumption. Remember, people addicted to porn may experience withdrawals after quitting, so professional assistance may be needed to guide them through these uncomfortable symptoms.

4. Get Them to Seek Help for Porn Addiction

Finally, talk to the person about the impact of their behaviours and set out the treatment plan. This conversation can take place in a private, one-on-one setting or take the form of an intervention.

A one-on-one conversation may be the best first step. Keeping the conversation private can help the person struggling with porn addiction feel safe while also reducing their feelings of shame.

Intervention-style approaches may be better as a last resort. Even then, it is best to keep the intervention as small as possible to prevent embarrassing the person. A professional intervention expert can help in this regard.

How to Talk to Someone With a Porn Addiction

Talking to someone with a porn addiction requires honest, clear, and direct communication. It is crucial to get across the message without displaying judgment. Showing support is the better way forward.

The first conversation may not be successful. Denial is common in people with addictions. However, denying treatment once does not mean another conversation will not work in the future.

To optimize success during an initial conversation, loved ones can use the following tips as a guide.

Choose an Appropriate Time and Place to Talk

Loved ones should first explain that they want to discuss the person’s porn-watching habits. Both people should agree on a time and a place to discuss. Ensure the meeting place is private, calm, and distraction-free.

Avoid suddenly springing the conversation on the person or while many people are around. Preparing the person beforehand may make them more amenable to the discussion.

Remain Calm

To optimize chances of success, loved ones should avoid getting over-emotional during the conversation. Acting judgmentally or getting frustrated may send the person into defence mode, compromising the conversation’s effectiveness.

Approach the conversation with a calm demeanour. Use non-judgmental language and show compassion for what the person is going through. Make the conversation a collaboration rather than a lecture.

Remember to Listen and Not Judge

Loved ones who are fed up with the person’s addictive behaviours may struggle to understand when they are veering into judgmental territory. For best results, avoid using words like ‘bad,’ ‘wrong,’ or ‘should.’

Instead, the goal is to understand their perspective. Practice acceptance and kindness, though not to the point of giving up any boundaries that need to be set to ensure everyone involved’s safety.

Reference Your Observations

Remember all that research we recommended before starting a conversation about the individual’s porn addiction? If the person gets defensive, now is the time to reference those observations.

Do not exaggerate or use sarcasm. Instead, present the facts regarding what was observed and the impact. Using honesty will prevent the person from getting defensive.

Outline Expected Outcomes

When someone is receptive to a conversation about their porn addiction, the last step is to lay out the expectations. For many loved ones, the expectation is that the person seek treatment to reduce or eliminate the behaviour.

Part of defining expectations is also setting out boundaries. For example, many loved ones decide to install filtering software to block porn sites on shared devices to protect themselves, their children, or both.

How to Find Porn Addiction Treatment

The ultimate goal of having a conversation with someone about their porn addiction is to encourage them to make positive changes. The following types of treatments can help them do just that.

Counselling

Counselling is a short-term treatment for porn addiction. It differs from therapy in that counsellors may only address a specific issue. In this case, that would be the porn addiction.

People with co-occurring mental health or substance use disorders may not benefit from counselling alone. Individuals needing to treat more complex issues or requiring a long-term solution should consider therapy instead.

Behavioural Therapy

Behavioural therapy is a treatment approach that helps people change their thinking and behaviour patterns. It investigates the reasons behind an addiction and teaches coping mechanisms to use when faced with triggers.

The exact type of approach used in therapy will differ depending on the client and the therapist. Some of the more common approaches include CBT, ACT, and dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT).

Mental Health Treatment for Porn Addiction

As mentioned, depression can be a withdrawal symptom after someone addicted to porn quits. A depressed mood can also be a sign that someone is struggling with a current porn addiction.

Medication and therapy can help with this symptom. These treatments are also effective for depressive disorders and other co-occurring disorders with behavioural addictions.

Sexual Addiction Treatment

As mentioned, porn addiction may be a type of impulse control disorder known as compulsive sexual behaviour. When this is the case, individuals may benefit from a sex addiction treatment program.

These programs may consist of inpatient residential treatment, CBT therapy, an outpatient group therapy program (e.g., Sex Addicts Anonymous), or a combination of these.

Porn Addiction Resources

Porn addiction support groups are an effective and often free resource for individuals and their loved ones. Here are some of the best groups to find support for porn addiction:

• Porn Anonymous (PA)
• Porn Addicts Anonymous (PAA)
• Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous (SPAA)
• Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)
• Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
• Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
• Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA)
• Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA)

People suffering from addiction and their loved ones can also find resources on our Information and Support page. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website is another excellent source of information about addiction, therapy options, and more.

Finally, consider finding books on the subject. The Seeking Integrity Porn Addiction Workbook by Robert Weiss offers information and advice from a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in compulsive sexual behaviour.

Get Porn Addiction Help in Ontario

This is how to help someone with a porn addiction. The first step is understanding addiction and creating a plan of action. Then, loved ones can have a conversation about boundaries, as well as treatments that can help.

Are you searching for porn addiction treatment programs for yourself or a loved one? Simcoe Addiction and Mental Health offers comprehensive services for people with behavioural addictions.

Get in touch with Simcoe to learn about our specialized porn addiction recovery services.