A recent study investigated the prevalence of substance use among Canadian youth in Ontario. Sadly, at least 22% of children aged 12 to 18 report using or abusing drugs, alcohol, or both. Parenting a child with a drug or alcohol addiction may feel lonely. Yet, thousands of parents face this challenge every day. So, you are not the only one asking, “When do I give up on my drug addict son or daughter?” Deciding when to let go of an addict is a personal choice. Many parents believe that allowing their child figure out their addiction alone is wrong. Others understand that letting go can be an act of support, too.

Are you wondering how to deal with an addict or when to give up on a drug addict who is also your child? If so, this post is for you.

How Do You Know If Your Child Is Addicted?

You know your child is addicted to drugs or alcohol when their behaviour changes, often for the worse. It is crucial to identify the presence and severity of the addiction before you can answer the question, “When do I give up on my drug addict son or daughter?” 

Some of the first signs of drug or alcohol abuse include:

• Frequently asking for large sums of money
• Avoiding spending time with friends or family
• Spending time with a new group of friends
• Showing no interest in activities they once enjoyed
• Acting secretively, lying, or stealing
• Sudden and unexplained weight loss or gain
• Having bloodshot or watery eyes
• Sleeping too much or too little
• Getting in trouble at school or work
• Lashing out or becoming uncharacteristically aggressive

Other things to look out for are signs of drug use. Strange smells on their clothes, drug paraphernalia (e.g., pipes, needles, or scales), or possession of drugs are all signs that your child or teenager may have a drug problem.

Risk Factors for Drug Use

Some youths are at a higher risk for drug use than others. For example, teens 16 years or older with a history of abuse or suicidal ideation are more likely to get addicted to drugs.

Having a parent or caregiver with a substance use disorder is another risk factor for addiction. Poor parental supervision, lack of support from family, and social isolation can also play a role.

Two of the most important factors in early drug use are unaddressed traumas and mental health disorders. People may start abusing substances in their teens to cope with the symptoms of childhood trauma or untreated mental illnesses.

Youth Drug Abuse Statistics

Canadians between the ages of 15 and 24 are more likely to use illegal substances than any other age group. The top two substances of choice among these Canadian youths are alcohol and cannabis.

Alcohol is the most common substance of abuse among Canadian youths. 46% of Canadians aged 15 to 19 report having had alcohol at least once in the past year. The good news is that this percentage is decreasing with time.

Cannabis is the second-most common substance of abuse in this age group. Nearly one in four Canadian youths between the ages of 15 and 19 report past-year use of cannabis.

3% of Canadians aged 15 to 19 report using at least one of six illicit drugs in the past year. These drugs include sedatives and hallucinogens like LSD, PCP, and magic mushrooms. 2% of youths in this age group have used hallucinogens within the past year, while 3% have used sedatives.

What Loving an Addict Is Like

Loving an addict is like pouring water from a full cup. At first, there is plenty to go around. Yet, as the cup nears the bottom, water becomes increasingly scarce.

Similarly, addicts’ loved ones may have endless compassion to give at first. As time goes on, though, these resources become depleted. Loved ones may feel like they’re trying to pour water from an empty cup.

To refill that cup, addicts’ loved ones need to receive compassion in return. At the very least, loved ones need to see progress in getting their child into rehab or stop using drugs.

Sadly, addiction alters the brain to the point where the addict only thinks about obtaining and using drugs. Even when an addict wants to get clean, they may feel unable to because of cravings, withdrawal symptoms, or both.

When parents of addicts run out of resources, it may be time to let go. Learn more about how to identify when it’s time to move on from an addicted child next.

Knowing When It’s Time to Let Go

The right time to let go of a child addicted to drugs differs for every parent. Some parents may have more time and money to spend on getting their child or children the help they need. Others may not be so lucky.

However, this doesn’t answer the question, “When do I give up on my drug addict son or daughter?” Here are some more concrete ways to determine if it’s time to let go.

Age is a factor many parents consider. A young person with a drug addiction has fewer options in terms of housing and income than an adult. As such, many parents choose to support their addicted children only until they turn 18.

However, even a child’s age may not matter if they are causing harm to their loved ones. An addict’s violent or aggressive behaviour may require letting go, regardless of the child’s age.

The good news about parenting youth addicts is that involuntary treatment at a rehab facility is possible. Parents can seek involuntary treatment for their children if the addiction impairs their ability to consent.

Additionally, parents can legally place their child in rehab involuntarily if the child is a harm to themselves or others. In this case, though, they can’t receive addiction treatment unless they consent.

The only other way to get a child treatment without their consent is through court-ordered rehab. We will talk more about using court-ordered rehab as a last resort.

Canada’s involuntary treatment laws are evolving. Soon, it may be legal to involuntarily enrol a minor in rehab outside of these specific situations. Until then, the best solution may be to let go.

Questions to Ask Yourself

How does a parent know when the costs of helping their child get clean outweigh the potential benefits? Here are some questions parents can ask themselves to find out:

• Is my child’s behaviour physically or emotionally threatening me or others?
• Have attempts to help my child endangered my life or others’ lives?
• Have attempts to help my child threatened my financial stability?
• Have attempts to help my child led to declines in my or others’ physical or mental health?
• Have my attempts at helping my child impacted their recovery?
• Is my child committed to recovery?
• Does my child want to recover, or am I forcing them to?

If the answer to any of the first four questions is yes or any of the last three questions is no, it could be a sign that it’s time to add some space between you and your child. Remember that adding space does not have to mean saying goodbye, but instead can create an environment where you can protect your mental health and emotions, as well as allow your child to navigate the decision-making process on their own.

A parent taking a break could be just what a child needs to start their recovery journey. In this way, letting go can be an act of support. Conversely, a parent sticking around when their help isn’t needed could be a form of enabling.

The Fine Line Between Supporting and Enabling

When an addict’s parent feels like their cup is empty, but they refuse to let go, it can be a sign of enabling. Many parents accidentally enable their child’s addiction in an attempt to show support.

However, enabling is not supportive. Enabling an addict may cause their addiction to get worse. Or it can lead to unhealthy behaviours on the addict’s part that can impact the health of parents, other family members, and friends.

What is enabling? It happens when someone’s behaviour unintentionally supports their loved one’s addiction. Enabling also shows up in abusive relationships, where the victim unintentionally makes room for the abuse.

Enabling can look like making excuses for an addict or not letting an addict pay the consequences for their actions. Parents often enable their addicted children by offering financial support or a place to live.

These actions come from a good place. However, addicts often abuse these forms of support, using their parents’ money to buy drugs or home to abuse drugs.

Providing support is different. Supportive parents of addicts may be available to help their child when in need. However, they do not provide that help by preventing the addict from maintaining accountability for their actions.

Setting firm boundaries and taking breaks when needed are other ways to support an addicted child. Parents can better provide time and compassion when they put their needs first.

The Fine Line Between Supporting and Letting Go

There is a fine line between supporting and enabling, but it is challenging to differentiate between supporting a child and letting them go. As we’ve explained, letting go is often the most supportive thing a parent can do.

A parent’s job is to create a safe environment for their child to thrive. Letting go of a child because of their addiction can be hard because it feels like failing to protect them.

However, a parent letting go of their responsibility to help their child get clean is not the same as abandoning them. Instead, it gives parents time to refill their cup. That way, they may have more resources to give in the future.

A second goal of being a parent is raising an independent child. Constantly serving as a child’s safety net reduces their independence. It also sends a message that the child is incapable of making their own decision.

Balancing these two factors is crucial when deciding to let go. Parents must also weigh the benefits of their efforts against the potential costs to their own mental health and well-being.

Can a Drug Addict Truly Love Someone?

Yes, an addict can truly love someone, though some people believe differently. It is hard to say which perspective is correct, if any. As such, we want to explain the reasoning behind both views.

Why Some People Believe Addicts Can’t Love

Some people believe addicts are incapable of love. People with this perspective see more benefits in parents improving their relationship with themselves rather than continuing to support an addict who doesn’t want help.

This view relies on the concept of co-dependency. Co-dependent people prefer one-sided relationships that are often emotionally or physically abusive. The dependent relies on the co-dependent to meet all their needs.

Co-dependency is typically used to describe romantic relationships. However, it can also affect parent-child, sibling, platonic and even co-worker interactions. It is a common occurrence in relationships where one person has an addiction.

For co-dependents, a relationship with an addict can feel loving. For example, a co-dependent parent may like feeling needed. Their child’s addiction makes them fully dependent, fulfilling the parent’s co-dependency.

At the same time, the child continues to stick around because they get the help and support they need to maintain their addiction. Sticking around may look like love to a co-dependent parent, but it isn’t love.

Why Some People Believe Addicts Can Love

Other people argue that addicts do have the capacity for love. They just struggle to show it properly because of addiction-related brain changes.

Addicts may lie about their drug use, choose their addiction over their loved ones, or even steal money from family to pay for drugs. These actions may not look loving, but they are a product of compulsive drug-seeking behaviour.

Remember when we talked about the brain’s reward system and its response to food? One of the reasons humans have this system is to promote survival. It is why humans eat when we feel hungry or run when we feel afraid.

Drugs can hijack this system. They convince the brain it needs the substance of abuse for survival. For this reason, some addicts will choose their drug of choice over food, water, or shelter.

Even though the child’s behaviour may look like they don’t love their parent(s), it is just a product of their compulsions. Deep down, they still feel the same way toward their loved ones before their addiction.

How to Let Go of an Addict You Love

Despite knowing that their child still loves them deep down, many parents still choose to let go. They may see their continued support as enabling or understand that an addict must recover independently.

Regardless of the reason, learning to let go is one of the hardest things a parent of an addict can do. Letting go may feel more painful than continuing the relationship.

We want to make this process easier for parents. Below, we give you our top tips for letting go of a child addicted to drugs.

Take a Break When You Need One

Parents not yet ready to fully let go can first try taking a break. A break may be necessary for parents who start having negative thoughts toward their child or feel significant stress due to the relationship.

A break could mean going no-contact with a child for a few days, weeks, or even months. Or it could mean taking a much-needed vacation. This is also the perfect time to visit friends and family members for support.

Use this break as a chance to relax and unwind. Yet, it is also the best time to prepare for future interactions with the addict. For some parents, frequent breaks are enough to refill their cup.

Use Reverse Psychology

Other parents may find that breaks, even frequent ones, do not suffice. They may continue to feel negatively toward their child. Or their stress levels may build up to the detriment of their work or social life.

When this happens, it may be time to pull back. Pulling back is not the same as no longer caring, but it may look like that to an addicted child. Children who believe their parents have stopped caring may start to care for themselves.

When this happens, reverse psychology is taking place. It’s important to remember that reverse psychology is only effective when parents communicate their intentions. Parents should tell their child that they trust them to make the right decision regarding their substance use.

Parents can also physically withdraw support. Tell the child that they are no longer welcome in the family home after a certain date. Or withdraw financial support to encourage the child to find work on their own.

The goal of using reverse psychology is to encourage children to take responsibility for their actions. Hopefully, this strategy pushes addicted children to seek help before parents must fully let go.

When to Let Go

It’s time to let go of a child with a substance abuse problem when their addiction starts to affect the health and well-being of their loved ones. Ideally, letting go means submitting a child to treatment.

Unfortunately, voluntary or involuntary treatment is not always an option. In that case, parents can consider getting law enforcement involved. Courts often order mandatory addiction treatment for drug-related offences.

Calling law enforcement is often the last resort for parents. It may seem extreme, but the alternative is that the child never gets treatment. Sadly, the risk of fatal drug use is higher without treatment.

What to Expect from Treatment

There are various treatment options available depending on the severity of the addiction. Outpatient treatment programs are ideal for mild addictions. Participants can get the help they need while living at home.

Youths with moderate to severe addictions need more intensive inpatient treatment. Inpatient programs take place at a treatment facility. These programs are also ideal for children who don’t have strong support systems.

In inpatient treatment, children can undergo medical detox. A medical professional is available at all times to help them safely undergo withdrawals. Medication is also available to ease the symptoms of certain addictions.

Some youths may benefit from treatment for co-occurring mental health disorders. As we mentioned earlier, untreated mental illnesses are correlated with drug use. Some children use drugs to manage their mental health symptoms.

Simcoe Addiction and Mental Health offers inpatient and outpatient mental health and addiction programs for adults but can make referrals for teens. 

We also offer a family integration program. Families can participate in group therapy sessions and monthly workshops. The goal is to help families understand addiction while teaching skills and strategies for better supporting loved ones.

What Are My Child’s Chances of Success?

Your child’s chances of success after rehab depends on multiple factors. These factors include the treatment programme type, the severity of their addiction, their chosen drug(s) of abuse, and mental health symptoms.

Attending an inpatient programme can optimize their chances of success. A recent study showed that the risk of relapse after an inpatient programme is 45.3%. Meanwhile, outpatient programs have relapse rates of 56%.

So, When Do I Give Up on My Drug Addicted Son or Daughter?

We hope this guide has helped answer the question, “When do I give up on my drug addict son or daughter?” There is no objective right or wrong answer because deciding to take a step back from a child with addiction is highly personal.

Yet, no matter how you answer this question, one thing is certain. Your child needs treatment for their addiction. Whether you leave the option up to your child or try involuntary treatment depends on your unique situation.

Is your child finally ready to start recovering from their drug addiction? Simcoe is an Ontario treatment facility offering inpatient programs, detox services, and more. Contact Simcoe today to inquire about our offerings.