A recent study looked at the drinking habits of nearly 36,000 Canadian adults. Shockingly, some Canadians reported drinking up to 210 alcoholic beverages per week, an almost certain sign of alcoholism. Are you living with an alcoholic? If so, you may be wondering how to best navigate your relationship. Should you leave or should you stay? If you stay, how can you encourage your partner to get the help he or she needs? We will help answer these questions in this complete guide to living and being in a relationship with an alcoholic.

What Is Alcoholism?

Alcoholism is the colloquial term for alcohol use disorder (AUD), which describes someone’s addiction to alcohol. Scientists use the following characteristics to describe addiction, including alcohol addiction:

• Cravings: The addict is preoccupied with obtaining or using alcohol
• Mood/Lifestyle Changes: A shift in the addict’s behaviour and/or interests
• Tolerance: The addict needs increasingly higher amounts of alcohol to get intoxicated
• Withdrawal: The addict experiences negative side effects when not using alcohol
• Relapse: The addict has tried and failed to quit drinking alcohol multiple times

Another sign of an AUD is when someone continues to use alcohol, even after experiencing problems because of their use. For example, say your loved one has multiple DUIs. Yet, he or she keeps drinking despite threatened jail time. If this sounds like your loved one, it could mean he or she suffers from an alcohol use disorder.

How Does Someone Become an Alcoholic?

Someone becomes an alcoholic by a complicated mix of genetics and the environment. Of the two, genes may play a greater role. For example, a study on twins with AUDs found that 45%–65% of alcohol addiction happens because of genes.
Further, having a person in your family who has an AUD may increase your risk for alcoholism, but not always. A family history of alcoholism could mean you have genes that affect the way your body metabolizes alcohol.
However, genes are not the only factor in developing an AUD. Even if you do have a family history of alcohol addiction, you may not develop alcoholism. Environmental factors like childhood trauma, access to alcohol, and social norms about alcohol can also influence the development of this disorder.

How to Know If Your Spouse Drinks Too Much

Did you click on this article because you fear your spouse may be an alcoholic? You certainly are not alone. Around 20% of Canadians aged 18 to 49 and 17.7% of those between the ages of 50 to 64  identify as heavy drinkers.

How do you know if your partner’s drinking habit is something to be concerned about? Look out for the following signs.

Signs of a Drinking Problem

The most obvious signs of a drinking problem are when someone drinks increasing amounts of alcohol or drinks daily. Someone who drinks more than planned could also have a burgeoning alcohol problem.

If your partner stops drinking suddenly, they may experience withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal symptoms are another sign of a potential AUD and include the following:

• The shakes
• Difficulty sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness, and/or anxiety
• Depressed feelings
• Nausea
• The Sweats

It can be difficult to identify when someone has a drinking problem if they hide their drinking from you. In that case, you may want to watch for behavioural signs of a drinking problem.

Behaviours that may indicate a drinking problem include aggression. For example, is your partner unexplainable and uncharacteristically argumentative or emotional at times? If so, this could be a sign of addiction.

However, remember that negative behaviours are not the only way to identify addiction. Some people with AUDs may seem happier or more relaxed upon drinking.

You can also watch for lifestyle changes. For example, neglecting people or hobbies they used to enjoy could be a sign of addiction. However, these symptoms of alcoholism could also signal another mental health disorder (e.g., depression).

Codependency and Alcoholism

People who are married to or in a relationship with alcoholics may be codependent. Codependency refers to a situation in which an alcoholic’s significant other enables their partner’s alcoholism. Here is an example. Imagine a codependent person who has a partner with multiple public intoxication charges. Despite the potential consequences, the codependent spouse allows their partner to keep drinking. In this case, the codependent spouse thinks they are doing what is right by supporting their partner. In reality, the codependent spouse is simply enabling their partner’s alcoholism. Are you stuck in the cycle of a codependent relationship with an alcoholic? If so, it is critical to seek help. Your partner will need to find a rehab, while you need to understand and overcome your codependent behaviours.

How Alcohol Affects Relationships

Alcohol does not just result in codependency in relationships. The substance can have many negative impacts on relationships.

For instance, one study found that women with alcoholic husbands experienced more psychological and social problems than other women.

The most commonly reported problems in the study were emotional traumas. Emotional problems included anxiety and frustration. The wives reported either taking out their frustration on their children or ignoring them.

Social disturbances were also a common issue. For example, over 43% of the women reported having to cancel their plans “sometimes” or “often” because of their husbands’ drinking. 90% of the women also reported feeling ashamed of their partner’s actions in public “sometimes” or “often.”

Less commonly, the women in the study reported financial problems or physical violence due to their partner’s drinking.

Nearly 50% of the participants reported financial problems “sometimes” or “often.” Sadly, nearly 20% of the women reported experiencing physical violence from their alcoholic husbands.

Why do these problems happen, though?

Alcohol alters our brains. Specifically, this substance blocks communication between brain cells. It can lead to difficulties inhibiting oneself and other changes in personality. These changes can cause a once-happy relationship to fall apart over time.

Dating an Alcoholic

Marriage is not the only type of romantic relationship alcoholism can impact. Dating an alcoholic can also take a toll on the person with the AUD and their significant other.

One of the most devastating consequences of dating an alcoholic is cheating. Remember how we mentioned that alcohol could change the brain? One of the ways it does so is by decreasing one’s inhibitions

Inhibitions are how we keep ourselves from saying and doing inappropriate things. When someone is sober, he or she may know that cheating is wrong. With alcohol involved, however, that inhibition may go away.

Cheating is a major betrayal in a relationship. It can have short-term effects (e.g., breaking up) and long-term effects, especially if the couple stays together. For example, it is common for the partner of a cheater to lose trust in the relationship.

What is more, many people who date alcoholics struggle with feelings of loneliness. The alcoholic partner may constantly drink or think about drinking. The alcoholic partner may begin to neglect their duties in the relationship.

There are other potential side effects of dating someone with an alcohol use disorder. For example, you may find that your own drinking has increased or that your sex life is not as good as it once was.

Living With an Alcoholic in the Short-Term

Alcohol use disorder is a disease. However, your partner’s disease should not impact your life negatively. If it does, it is time to seek help. For some people, leaving the alcoholic partner may be the best solution. Yet, many people want to learn how to live with an alcoholic spouse. In this case, there are some short-term solutions to help make the relationship more bearable.

Have a Conversation

The first step is to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. They may not even be aware of your concerns. So, it is important to share that you are worried that your partner has a drinking problem.
Addiction can be a touchy subject. Combined with the behavioural changes due to alcoholism, this type of conversation may evoke a strong reaction. Make sure to pick the right time (e.g., when they are sober) to talk to your loved one for this reason.
Avoid triggering your partner by being direct. Share your concerns, but do not blame or shame your partner. Stick to the facts, too, and avoid accusing your partner of being an alcoholic outright.

Create Realistic Expectations

Hopefully, your conversation with your partner results in actionable items. For example, maybe you and your partner agree that they will go to rehab.

However, it is important to have realistic expectations for your partner. One of these expectations is that your significant other may not want to change.

Also, make sure you understand the process of overcoming addiction. Getting sober is a daunting task. Up to 80% of addicts fail to get sober after going to rehab or attempting to quit.

Set Firm Boundaries

Boundaries are great tools for all relationships. They are beneficial for relationships with addicts, whether you are dating one or living with one. Boundaries are for you and the person suffering from an AUD.

Boundaries with an alcoholic may look like you are asking them not to bring alcohol into your shared space. Or you may ask the alcoholic in your life to stop asking you for rides home after they get too drunk to drive.

The important thing about boundaries is setting ones that will help you get more out of the relationship. Make sure you are firm with your boundaries, too. If you are not, you could end up enabling your partner (more on this next).

Avoid Becoming an Enabler

Do you intend to stick with your alcoholic partner for the long haul? If so, starting early with breaking any enabling behaviours you may have is critical. Some common enabling behaviours of alcoholics’ significant others include:

• Paying for alcohol, bail, legal fees, etc.
• Lying or making excuses to others about your partner’s drinking
• Ignoring how much your partner drinks

All these behaviours create a more comfortable environment for your partner, not you. The more comfortable your partner is, the less likely they are to get help. Enabling can ultimately result in a partner being even more resistant to help for their addiction in the long run.

Living with an Alcoholic in the Long-Term

When dealing with a partner who drinks too much, you must follow the tips outlined above. However, you must be clearer with your expectations and firmer with your boundaries. Your expectations and boundaries may evolve, For example, say you and your partner bring a child into the marriage. For most couples, childbearing drastically changes their dynamics, and your relationship is no different. The good news is that if you start setting boundaries early, it will benefit your long-term relationship. Again, avoiding enabling your partner’s AUD at the beginning of your relationship may determine their willingness to change. Finally and most importantly, long-term partners of alcoholics must practice self-care. After all, caring for someone with an alcohol use disorder can significantly affect your mental and physical well-being. Make sure you eat well, exercise regularly, and seek support when you need it. You may want to consider a local support group for spouses of alcoholic partners. Therapy can also be beneficial for the long-term partners of alcoholics. A counsellor can help with evolving expectations and provide the emotional support you may crave from your addicted spouse.

How to Approach an Alcoholic About Rehab

Approaching an alcoholic about rehab can be uncomfortable or even frightening. Yet, as we mentioned earlier, talking to your loved one about their addiction is often the first step toward them getting help. Here are our top tips for approaching your partner about needing rehab.

Educate Yourself

The more you know about alcoholism and substance use disorders, the better. Having empathy and understanding toward your partner will make it easier to talk to them when the time comes. Some great places to get educated about addiction include:

• The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH)
• The Canadian Center on Substance Use and Addiction
• The National Institute on Substance Abuse (NIDA)
• The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)
• The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA)

You may also want to speak to an alcohol addiction recovery counsellor. A professional can give you the advice and support needed for the next step in the process: making a plan.

Make a Plan

The next step before talking to your loved one about rehab is to make a plan. Write down what you want to say to your partner. Also, consider things you do not want to say, such as blaming your partner’s alcoholism for your marital problems. Make sure you express your concern and care for your loved one. Come at the conversation from a place of understanding. One way to do this is by using “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

For example, instead of saying, “you need help,” you could express how your partner’s drinking makes you feel. Then, offer treatment as an option. Avoid making any ultimatums when possible.

Prepare Possible Treatment Options

Your significant other may not be ready for rehab when you first bring it up. However, if your loved one is ready to seek help, have some treatment options prepared. Also, consider treatment options that will allow you and your partner to seek help together. Having your support could make a difference for your loved one seeking treatment. Simcoe Addiction & Mental Health, we offer multiple programs for alcoholics and their loved ones. Whether your significant other needs detox services, counselling, or inpatient treatment, we have the programs to help you heal.

How to Help an Alcoholic Who Doesn’t Want Help

First, it is important not to give up, as giving up can turn into enablement. To your loved one, giving up can also make it feel like you do not care.

Secondly, try to recruit the help of other people who love your spouse. Having the support of others may show your spouse just how far-reaching the effects of their disorder have become. When all else fails, you may have the option to commit your loved one to reason without their permission. Involuntary treatment is legal for some residents of Canada.
Learn more about involuntary rehab commitment in the Ontario Mental Health Act.

Alcoholism and Apathy

Korsakoff’s syndrome (a memory disorder that happens due to a long-term AUD) can have apathy as a side effect. “Apathy” refers to when someone doesn’t care about something.
In one study, 76% of people with Korsakoff’s syndrome had apathy as a side effect. Yet, apathy is not only a symptom of long-term alcoholism. It can also show up in people who have recently developed an AUD. In fact, many people start drinking to numb their emotions. Drinking to numb emotions can also result in apathy and is often a risk factor for alcoholism.

Can an Alcoholic Love?

Having a relationship with an alcoholic can make it feel like they do not love you, but that is not always true. However, it is important to understand that your partner’s actions have nothing to do with you. Your partner may even still feel love towards you. However, their addiction prevents them from loving you in the way you need.

Why It Feels Like Your Alcoholic Partner Doesn’t Love You

Even if your partner still loves you, you may not feel the love. Feeling unloved in your relationship may stem from multiple issues.

For example, your partner may spend all of their time thinking about, talking about, and drinking alcohol. They may have little time left over for you. If you value quality time, this may have you feeling underappreciated. Additionally, alcoholics can be downright mean. Their alcohol use may change how they process emotions, leading to angry outbursts. Worse, some alcoholics can become violent while under the influence.
Even if your partner still loves you, protecting yourself is important. Protecting yourself and your family becomes even more critical when young children are involved.

When Is It Time to Leave an Alcoholic Relationship?

It is time to leave a relationship with an alcoholic when and if the following problems occur:

• Your life is falling apart because of your partner’s drinking
• Your partner does not want help and seems unwilling to change, even after you have talked about treatment
• You are experiencing financial, emotional, or physical violence

Having a relationship with an alcoholic is a careful balancing act. You must always balance your support for your partner with your love for yourself. When the former outweighs the latter, it may be time to consider leaving the relationship for good.

Breaking Up With an Alcoholic

First, make sure to talk to your partner when they are sober. Approach them with understanding and empathy. Finally, be firm in your decision and leave no room for waffling.

If you fear your partner’s reaction, you may want to talk to them in a public place. You can have a friend or family member with you for support. Remember that the most important thing is to keep yourself safe.

Get Help for Your Partner’s Alcoholism

Living with an alcoholic is extremely challenging. Yet, with the help of this guide, we hope you have a better understanding of how to help your loved one. If you can not stay mentally and physically safe while doing so, though, it may be time to leave the relationship.

Are you searching for rehab for your loved one? Simcoe Addiction & Mental Health has alcoholism treatment options in Ontario. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you and your significant other overcome alcohol addiction.